I'm Just Not Feeling It

Having only been a writer for a short time....and this is not just me saying that... I know people who have been writers for years.....I am still easily stumped when it comes to this "Muse" thing. I can feel the need inside of me and my fingers are itching to write something but it just isn't happening.

I know that writers suffer from writers block where they can't come up with a single idea of what to write, but I am finding that my problem is more of a "me" problem. My Muse is actually standing in the kitchen with no clothes on banging two pan lids together screaming "Look at me! Look at me! I have a wonderful idea for a story...you idiot!" Thankgoodness I took her matches away or she would have burned the house down a long time ago!

And what am I doing? Just sitting at the dining room table looking at the lights of the computer illuminate the cup of juice I have been staring into for the last 30 minutes. I have such an urge to write but in all honesty..........

I don't know if it is because this has been a very sad day for me (and you would think that as a tortured writer at the moment the words would be spilling out of me)or if I am too overwhelmed with our recent move....and all the things we have had to do.....to let my brain relax and write, but to tell you the truth...I write better when I am at peace. I am not at peace at the moment. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I feel betrayed. I feel abandoned. And I feel used.

I acknowledge my blame in the way I feel, but I don't understand how one moment you can have a connection, one that you feel will stand the test of time, and the next....any connection you had is gone like it never existed.

I think it is that feeling of emptiness and (right or wrong) that sense of betrayal that I am feeling that is holding me back. How weird....those feelings should fuel my creativity. But all those feelings make me want to do is close my computer and sweep my floors. Do something menial and mind numbing. Of course there is nothing I can do to alleviate these feelings because that part of my life, my past is gone...that door has been closed. And if the truth be told....I don't even have the desire to try to fix it......it takes too much energy.

I don't want to sit down and rant about what has happened to me. It happened, it's over with, I'll deal with it and move on. The strangest thing is that I am unable to write about it because, even now, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by saying the wrong thing. Oh how I wish I could throw caution to the wind and just write about it.

But I won't, because no matter how I feel at the moment, and how ever many things are going through my mind that are begging to be released.....that's not how I work.

The feelings are there...the story is begging to be written but in all honesty....I'm just not feeling it.